As I’ve shared before, grief is multifaceted and unique to each individual who is grieving. Some aspects of grieving also invoke guilt. Sometimes loved ones who are still living feel guilt in addition to their grief over the loss of their loved one.
Survivor’s Guilt
Guilt after a loved one’s death can stem from…
- a belief that the death could have been prevented somehow
- remorse over things said/unsaid or actions committed /left undone
- forgetting for even a moment that your loved one is dead
Live Without Regrets
For the most part, as I shared in this previous blog, I strive to live without regrets. Therefore, I don’t generally experience guilt over the first two, but I have experienced forgetting, and it cut me to the quick.
Forgetting A Loved One’s Death
I have been blessed with longevity among my grandparents, thus they have been a part of my life well into adulthood. As a result, for decades since leaving my childhood home, I have visited and called my grandparents to stay in touch.
A few years ago, the death of one of my grandmothers was particularly hard for me. One day, after her death, after a particularly awful day at work, I decided to call my grandma, as I would do from time to time on my way home from work. It didn’t dawn on me until the call didn’t go through that I’d forgotten.
I’d forgotten that she was dead.
I’d forgotten that I couldn’t talk with her on the phone anymore.
I’d forgotten.
Then the guilt came.
And the grief.
This was before I was a medium, and before I retained mediums to intercede on my behalf to communicate with my loved ones in spirit.
I asked myself how I could possibly forget.
…and more guilt, recriminations, and criticism ensued.
The Voice of Reason
In the end, I called my mom. It was as if I needed to be “absolved” of the “sin” of forgetting my beloved grandmother. Thankfully, I have an amazing mother, who was a voice of reason for me that day, since I was in such a downhill spiral and I couldn’t pull the yoke back on my own to see the horizon. I don’t remember her words of wisdom that day, but I’m so very grateful she helped me to consider a different perspective.
Now that I’ve had the honor to communicate with a lot of dead loved ones—mine and the loved ones of clients—I would like to share with you a possible scenario. If you ever forget your loved one is dead, instead of feeling sad and guilty, I want you to hear these words in your loved one’s voice:
“Hurrah! I have been trying to communicate with you for a long time. I know you’re sad, so I’ve been around you a lot. I love you so much and I’ve tried to comfort you in so many ways, but unfortunately, I haven’t been able to get through to you until today. But today! Today, you forgot I was dead! You thought about me without crying. I put that thought in your head and because you were distracted, you forgot for a moment and you just remembered my love for you and your love for me and you wanted to call me or come visit me. I am so happy you forgot I was dead. Thank you for remembering me!”
Your Loved Ones Love You!
In all of my readings with spirit where the sitter expresses guilt, the spirit has always provided comfort to their loved one who is still living. Their individual messages have been unique to the situation, but not once have I had a spirit tell their loved one that their loved one should feel guilty, sad, etc.
Our loved ones want us to be happy. So yes, I now believe that our loved ones are even happy when we forget they are dead, because our happiness begets their happiness.
It’s alright to forget.
When you remember again, try to do so with a smile.
